Talk:Carl Etelman/GA1

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Reviewer: PCN02WPS (talk · contribs) 01:44, 24 July 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Hi there, I'll review this article. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 01:44, 24 July 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Comments are below, I'll do another pass through and look at sources once these are resolved. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 02:27, 24 July 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Lead and infobox

• "Whitman High School" can be linked to Whitman-Hanson Regional High School in both the lead and infobox.
• "He also played professionally in the" → might also want to link "professionally" to Professional gridiron football

Early life and education

• "He attended Fairhaven High School and Academy, graduating in 1920" → switches from past tense to present tense after the comma
• "He was team captain as a senior, playing the quarterback position in football" → he is stated as a team captain and then the sport is named, so I'd switch this order ("In football, he was a team captain as a senior and played the quarterback position" or something similar)
• "eventually fought his way into the end zone" → link End zone
• "He collapsed onto the field after reaching the goal line" → link Goal line (gridiron football)
• "that he fractured his ankle and injured his collarbone" → wouldn't hurt to link Ankle fracture and clavicle here, I suppose
• This might boil down to personal opinion, but I feel the Woodard quote is a bit long and doesn't need to be reproduced here in its entirety. I think it would read much better if it was integrated into the prose as some of the quotes beforehand are, or at least shortened a bit. The second paragraph isn't needed at all IMO since you describe that incident in prose the paragraph prior.
• "but stayed in the game and two plays later kicked a 40-yard field goal and was carried off the field" → fine content-wise but a little repetitive (emphasis is mine), perhaps reword the last bit to say "...but stayed in the game and kicked a 40-yard field goal two plays later, after which he was carried off the field" or something similar.

Professional career

• Whitman High School can be linked again here since this is the first mention in the article's body
• "Etelman's play was described as, "the game's feature."" → comma after "as" is unneeded
• "He wore number 14 with the Steam Roller" → uncited; just use the same footnote again as the previous sentence since that information comes from the Pro FB Reference page

Coaching career

• "of the 1934 season, and since then. Whitman has gone unbeaten and untied" → period after "then" should be a comma per the source
• "turning many a seeming defeat into a victory with his skill and daring" → this quote is also used in the previous section, I think it would be best to use it only once, or at least to use it only once as a direct quotation

Personal life and death

• "the finance chairman of the local Republican Party" → link Republican Party (United States)
  • @PCN02WPS: Thanks for the review. I think I've made all the changes you've suggested. Let me know if there's anything else you want me to do. BeanieFan11 (talk) 17:09, 24 July 2022 (UTC)[reply]
    • @BeanieFan11: awesome, I think we're good as far as I can tell! All of the references look good to me and the one image used is clearly relevant (a picture of the article's subject itself), is public domain, and has a suitable caption. Happy to give this a pass and to say thank you for all you do for historical CFB on Wikipedia! PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 01:20, 25 July 2022 (UTC)[reply]